Vicky Advani

I never take risk while drinking…………..

When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen
I stealthily enter the house take out the bottle from my black cupboard
Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame
But still no one is aware of it
Becoz I never take a risk

I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack
Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard
Maharaj is giving a smile

I peep into the kitchen
Wife is cutting potatoes
No one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I: Any news on Verma’s daughter’s marriage
Wife: Nope, she doesn’t seem to be that lucky. Still they are looking out for her

I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard
But I don’t make any sound while taking out the bottle
I take out the glass from the old rack above sink
Quickly enjoy one peg

Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink
Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I: But still I think Verma’s daughter’s age is not that much
Wife: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old… like an aged horse
I: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh…

I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard
But the cupboard’s place has automatically changed
I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg in the sink
Maharaj laughs loudly
I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Maharaj’s photo & keep it in the black cupboard

Wife is keeping the sink on the stove
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I: (getting angry) you call Mr. Verma a horse? If you say that again, I will cut your tongue…!
Wife: Don’t just blabber something, go out and sit quietly…

I take out the bottle from the potatoes
Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg
Wash the sink and keep it over the rack
Wife is giving a smile
Maharaj is still cooking
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I: (laughing) So Verma is marrying a horse!!
Wife: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face…

I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack
Stove is also on the rack
There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside
I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink
But none of the horses are aware of what I did
Becoz Maharaj never takes a risk

Verma is still cooking
And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing
Becoz I never take what???

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

‘I’d like to be six again’, she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, ‘Well Dear, what was it like being six again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

‘I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!’

A newly joined trainee engineer asks his boss “what is the meaning of appraisal?”

Boss: “Do you know the meaning of resignation? ”

Trainee: “Yes I do”

Boss: “So let me make you understand what a appraisal is by comparing it with resignation”

Comparison study : Appraisal and Resignation

**********

In appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors and failures.

In resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements and success.

**********

In appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even 10% hike.

In resignation you can easily demand (or get even without asking) more than 50-60% hike.

**********

During appraisal, they will deny promotion saying you didn’t meet the expectation, you don’t have leadership qualities, and you had several drawbacks in our objective/goal.

During resignation, they will say you are the core member of team; you are the vision of the company how can you go, you have to take the project in shoulder and lead your juniors to success.

**********

There is 90% chance for not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.

There is 90% chance of getting immediate hike after you put the resignation.

**********

Trainee: “Yes boss enough, now I understood my future. For an appraisal I will have to resign … !!!”

I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on August 31st. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $10.99 for the first ten words and $5.99 for each additional word in your message.

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Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

I’ve run away to join a different circus.

This may or may not be a joke: it is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea ..It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to choose one. The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro

note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower. The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note,and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed

and fuel. The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town’s prostitute that in these hard times, gave her “services” on credit. The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt

with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there. The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not

suspect any thing. At that moment, the tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now without debt,and looks to the future with a lot of optimism…..And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States is doing business today

A beggar to another beggar: I had a grand dinner at Taj yesterday.

How? The other beggar asked.

First beggar: Some one gave me a Rs 100/- note yesterday.

I went to Taj and ordered dinner worth Rs 1,000/-,

And enjoyed the dinner. When the bill came, I said, I had no money.

The Taj manager called the policeman, and handed me over to him.

I gave the Rs 100/- note to the police fellow, and he set me free.

A wonderful example of financial management indeed

Queen Victoria was once at a diplomatic reception in London .

The guest of honor was an African chieftain. All went well during the meal until, at the end, finger bowls were served. The guest of honor had never seen a British finger bowl, and no one had thought to brief him beforehand about its purpose. So he took the bowl in his two hands, lifted it to his mouth, and drank its contents down!

For an instant there was breathless silence among the British privilege guests, and then they began to whisper to one another. All that stopped; however, when Queen Victoria silently took her finger bowl in her two hands, lifted it, and drank its contents! A moment later, 500 surprised British ladies and gentlemen simultaneously drank the contents of their

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

‘I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs, and sold his sister’s jewelery to buy a gun. I was appalled.

But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.’….

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

‘I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,’ said the politician. ‘In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.’

Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late….

Good example why planning is required…

One Night 4 college students were playing till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time. On the third day they appeared before the Dean.. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test… They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.

The Test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.

Q.1. Your Name………………………. (2 MARKS)

Q.2. which tire burst? (98 MARKS)
a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right…..!!!

1 . (Whatever)

Men: What should we have for dinner?
Women: Whatever..
Men: Why don’t we have Mexican?
Women: No not Mexican, the last time I got pimples on my face
Men: Alright, why don’t we have Szechwan cuisine
Women: Yesterday we ate Szechwan , today too?
Men: Hmm….. I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood is not good, I got diarrhea
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women : Whatever..
 

2. (Anything)

Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything
Men: How about watching a movie? It’s been a long time
Women: Watching movie is no good, it’s a waste of time
Men: How about we go for bowling, or some exercises?
Women: Exercise on such a hot day?
Men: Then find a cafe and have a drink
Women: I am off caffeine
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: Anything
 

3. (You decide)

Men: Then do we just go home?
Women: You decide
Men: Let’s take the bus, I will accompany you
Women: The bus is dirty and crowded.
Men: OK; we will take a cab
Women: Not worth it… For such a short distance
Men: All right, then we can walk. We can enjoy the weather
Women: I am hungry, can’t walk.
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: You decide
Men: Let’s have dinner first?
Women: Whatever…
Men: What shall we eat?
Women: Anything…
 

4. (ANYTIME)…

Men: At what time do I have to call you?
Women: Any time as u wish
Men: But last time when I call u in the morning u didn’t pick up?
Women: I was sleeping.
Men: OK; when I try to call you around 11 am u didn’t pick up?
Women: I was shopping with my mother
Men: So, when I try to call you around 2-3 u didn’t pick up?
Women: I was tired and relaxing.
Men: Then what about 5 PM?
Women: I was watching a cartoon.
Men: So, then why didn’t you pick u phone in the night?
Women: I was studying
Men: Ok then tell me which time is the most convenience time for you to talk.
Women: Anytime.

The Fork There was a woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things “in order”, she contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in. The woman also requested to be buried with her favorite Bible. Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to leave when the woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.

“There’s one more thing,” she said excitedly. “What’s that?” came the pastor’s reply. “This is very important,” the woman continued. “I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand.” The pastor didn’t know what to say. “That surprises you, doesn’t it?” the woman asked. “Well, to be honest, I’m puzzled by the request,” said the pastor. The woman explained. “In all my years of attending church socials and potluck dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, ‘Keep your fork’. It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming…

Like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie.

Something wonderful, and with substance. So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder, ‘What’s with the fork?’ Then I want you to tell them: “Keep your fork…the best is yet to come”. The pastor’s eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the woman the last time he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did.

She KNEW that something better was coming. At the funeral people were walking by the woman’s casket and they saw the pretty dress she was wearing, her favorite Bible and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the pastor heard the question, “What’s with the fork?” And over and over he smiled. During his message, the pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the woman about what it symbolized to her.

The pastor told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. He was right.

The next time you reach down for your fork let it remind you, oh so gently, that the best is yet to come.

As puzzling as it may sound, it can be quite useful to create your own Blue Screen Of Death in Windows XP. From troubleshooting your Startup And Recovery settings to demonstrating to end users what to do if they encounter a BSOD, this tip will come in handy.

While it may seem odd to think about purposefully causing a Blue Screen Of Death (BSOD), Microsoft includes such a provision in Windows XP. This might come in handy for testing and troubleshooting your Startup

And Recovery settings, Event logging, and for demonstration purposes.

Here’s how to create a BSOD:

1. Launch the Registry Editor (Regedit.exe).
2. Go to HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SYSTEM\CurrentControlSet\Servic es\i8042prt\Parameters.
3. Go to Edit, select New | DWORD Value and name the new value CrashOnCtrlScroll.
4. Double-click the CrashOnCtrlScroll DWORD Value, type 1 in the Value Data textbox, and click OK.
5. Close the Registry Editor and restart Windows XP.

When you want to cause a BSOD, press and hold down the [Ctrl] key on the right side of your keyboard, and then tap the [ScrollLock] key twice. Now you should see the BSOD.

If your system reboots instead of displaying the BSOD, you’ll have to disable the Automatically Restart setting in the System Properties dialog box. To do so, follow these steps:

1. Press [Windows]-Break.
2. Select the Advanced tab.
3. Click the Settings button in the Startup And Recovery panel.
4. Clear the Automatically Restart check box in the System Failure panel.
5. Click OK twice.

Here’s how you remove the BSOD configuration:

1. Launch the Registry Editor (Regedit.exe).
2. Go to HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SYSTEM\CurrentControlSet\Servic es\i8042prt\Parameters.
3. Select the CrashOnCtrlScroll value, pull down the Edit menu, and select the Delete command.
4. Close the Registry Editor and restart Windows XP.