Vicky Advani

1. Chewing on gum while cutting onions can help a person from stop producing tears. Try it next time you chop onions.

2. Until babies are six months old, they can breathe and swallow at the same time. Indeed convenient!

3. Offered a new pen to write with, 97% of all people will write their own name.

4. Male mosquitoes are vegetarians. Only females bite.

5. The average person’s field of vision encompasses a 200-degree wide angle.

6. To find out if a watermelon is ripe, knock it, and if it sounds hollow then it is ripe.

7. Canadians can send letters with personalized postage stamps showing their own photos on each stamp.

8. Babies’ eyes do not produce tears until the baby is approximately six to eight weeks old.

9. It snowed in the Sahara Desert in February of 1979.

10. Plants watered with warm water grow larger and more quickly than plants watered with cold water.

11. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

12. Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave.

13. Those stars and colours you see when you rub your eyes are called phosphenes.

14. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

15. Everyone’s tongue print is different, like fingerprints.

16. Contrary to popular belief, a swallowed chewing gum doesn’t stay in the gut. It will pass through the system and be excreted.

17. At 40 Centigrade a person loses about 14.4 calories per hour by breathing.

18. There is a hotel in Sweden built entirely out of ice; it is rebuilt every year.

19. Cats, camels and giraffes are the only animals in the world that walk right foot, right foot, left foot, left foot, rather than right foot, left foot .

20. Onions help reduce cholesterol if eaten after a fatty meal.

21. The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting.

It was the day of my son’s XII results and I was so tensed. I sat beside him while he logged on the website with his registration no. “Ma”, he screamed in excitement, “I scored 1191, with centum in 4 subjects.” I can’t believe it. “I kind of became numb in my excitement. My eyes became wet. I kissed him on his forehead and smiled.”
 
Soon we realized that he stood first in the state. Oh, my joy knew no bounds when Reporters and media persons soon swamped my house for interviews and photos. I was so honored to join him in the snaps.
 
I wanted to call my “wrong-number-friend” to tell him the news…… I was so excited. He was someone whom I have known for more than 20 years.
 
I still do not remember when we became friends, but certainly cannot forget the first day he called me When I blasted him for giving me so many wrong calls….. After that he had called up a week later asking apology, for he had now got the right no of his friend whom he wanted to talk to .We spoke for an hour that day…even without knowing each other’s names.
Though he kept pestering me to reveal my name I never did and so he kept a name…Sweety. I used to get so shy whenever he called me ‘Sweety’. I was doing first year of BSc. Maths then, and he was a Computer Engineering student. 

From then he used to call me very often. We almost discussed everything.
 
By the final year of my college, we probably we were in love, but I had been cautious. I was in a dilemma whether to tell him. But what if he was of a different religion? Do I have the courage to talk to my parents about it? ……..all these questions ran through my mind.
 
I decided I’ll not talk to him thereafter. When he called next time I laid to him I that I was going to Delhi for my post graduation. He gave me his office number and asked me to ring him up once I reach there. I never called…….
 
A couple of months later my marriage got fixed with a guy of my parent’s choice. I was not happy but I did not complain; rather accepted it as an obedient daughter. At times I felt I missed my wrong- number- friend…….
 
My hubby was a moody person; I have hardly spent any good time with him- but he was genuine indeed and never bothered my personal space. After 2 years we had a boy…Yet, I was not very happy with my married life…One day I happened to browse through my diary and found I still had my old friend’s office phone no that he had given me. I dialed it and spoke with him. He said he was married and got a kid too. I was happy for him though in the bottom of the heart I felt bad that I could not marry him.
 
From then I used to occasionally call him on that number. I never gave him mine as I felt that would put me in trouble… And till today I almost shared  everything with him including my relationship with my hubby…..today I was so happy and I wanted to call him.
 
Just then I got a call. “Your husband met with an accident and died on the spot”
 
I banged the phone down. I broke. I did not call my friend…..I somehow started feeling guilty. I have never tried to talk to him properly when he was alive or moved close with him…. I felt I had been a bad wife……..
 
A couple of years passed and one day my son brought home a Bengali girl and said they wanted to get married. I got them married as I did not want my son to go through what I did.
 
I decided to give my son his father’s room and started clearing it. There was a phone book. I gently opened it to find,

“Wrong no Sweety - 26579785”!!!!!

Girls Desk

Guyz Desk

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night Celebrating St Patrick’s Day.

Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.’

Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then.’

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

‘Shoite’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘Shoite!’

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much Better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

‘Bi’Jesus… I’m fockin’ focked,’ he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says, ‘No fockin’ way’, but he crawls up The stairs to his bedroom door and says, ‘I can make it to the bed.’

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘Fock it’ and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of Coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?’.

Paddy says, ‘I did Jess. I was fockin’ pissed. But how’d you know?’

‘Mick phoned you left your wheelchair at the pub!!

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door. 

SON:   “Daddy, may I ask you a question?”
DAD:   “Yeah sure, what is it?” replied the man.
SON:   “Daddy, how much do you make an hour?”
DAD:   “That’s none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?” the man said angrily.
SON:    “I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?”
DAD:    “If you must know, I make Rs.100 an hour.”
SON:     “Oh,” the little boy replied, with his head down.
SON:   “Daddy, may I please borrow Rs.50?” 

The father was furious, “If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behavior.”

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy’s questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?

After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that Rs.50 and he really didn’t ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.

“Are you asleep, son?” He asked.
“No daddy, I’m awake,” replied the boy.
“I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier” said the man.
“It’s been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here’s the Rs.50 you asked for.”

The little boy sat straight up, smiling. “Oh, thank you daddy!” He yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.

“Why do you want more money if you already have some?” the father grumbled.

“Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied.

“Daddy, I have Rs.100 now. Can I buy an hour of your time?
Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.”

The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness.

It’s just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We  should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts.

1)  Tech Support : “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”
 Customer: “Ok.”
 Tech Support : “Did you get a pop-up menu?”
 Customer : “No.”
 Tech Support : “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
 Customer : “No.”
 Tech Support: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”
 Customer : “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.”

2) Customer  : “I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message.”
 Tech : “Did you install the update?”
 Customer : “No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?”

3) Customer : “I’m having trouble installing Microsoft Word.”
 Tech : “Tell me what you’ve done.”
 Customer : “I typed ‘A: SETUP’.”
 Tech : “Ma’am, remove the disk and tell me what it says.” 
 Customer : “It says ‘[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk’.”
 Tech : “Insert the MS Word setup disk.”
 Customer : “What?”
 Tech  : “Did you buy MS word?”
 Customer : “No…”

4)  Customer  : “Do I need a computer to use your software?”
 Tech : ?!%#$ (welll pretend to smile)

5)  Tech  : “Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, canyou see the ‘OK’ button displayed?”
 Customer  : “Wow. How can you see my screen from there?”
 Tech  : ##### ***

6)  Tech  : “What type of computer do you have?”
 Customer  : “A white one.”
 Tech  : ******_____# ### 

7)  Tech             : “What operating system are you running?”
 Customer          : “Pentium.”
 Tech                 : ////—–+++

8).  Customer : “My computer’s telling me I performed an illegal abortion.”
 Tech : ??????

9). Customer  : “I have Microsoft Exploder.”
 Tech  : ?!%#$

10). Customer : “How do I print my voicemail?”
 Tech   : ??????

11).  Customer  : “You’ve got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won’t boot properly.”
 Tech : “What does it say?”
 Customer  : “Something about an error and non-system disk.”
 Tech  : “Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?”
 Customer  : “No, but there’s a sticker saying there’s an Intel inside.”
 Tech  : @@@@@

12). Tech : “Just call us back if there’s a problem. We’re open 24 hours.”
 Customer    : “Is that Eastern time?”

13).  Tech  : “What does the screen say now?”
 Customer   : “It says, ‘Hit ENTER when ready’.”
 Tech   : “Well?”
 Customer  : “How do I know when it’s ready?”
 Tech    : *** —- ++++

I  was walking down the street when I was accosted  by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking  homeless woman who asked me for a couple of  dollars for dinner.I took out my  wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, ‘If I  give you this money, will you buy wine with it  instead of dinner?’

‘No, I had to stop  drinking years ago’, the homeless woman told  me.

‘Will you use it to go shopping  instead of buying food?’ I asked.

‘No, I  don’t waste time shopping,’ the homeless woman  said. ‘I need to spend all my time trying to  stay alive.”Will you spend this on a  beauty salon instead of food?’ I  asked.

‘Are you NUTS!’ replied the  homeless woman. I haven’t had my hair done in 20  years!’

‘Well, I said, ‘I’m not going to  give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take  you out for dinner with my husband and me  tonight.’

The homeless Woman  was shocked. ‘Won’t your husband be furious with  you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I  probably smell pretty disgusting.’ 

I  said, ‘That’s okay. It’s important for him to  see what a woman looks like after she has given  up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.’

Universal law of Love:
 ” Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer from One  girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money ”

First law of Love:
 ” A boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love  with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless any external  agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy.”

Second law of Love:
 ” the rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly  proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of  this love is same to as increment or decrement of the bank balance. ”

Third law of Love:
 ” the force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the  force applied by the girl while slapping.”

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.   

The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out  and asks the Shepherd: If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you  give me one of them?”

The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies: “Okay.”

The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer.

He turns to the shepherd and says, “You have exactly 1,586 sheep here.” 

The shepherd cheers,”that’s correct, you can have your sheep.”

The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.

The shepherd looks at him and asks: “If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?”

The young man answers, “Yes, why not”.

The shepherd says, “You are an IT consultant “.

How did you know?” asks the young man.

“Very simple,” answers the shepherd. “First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don’t understand anything about my business…

Now can I have my DOG back???”