Vicky Advani

**After an international beer conference in London, all the world’s brewery bosses decide to go out for a beer together.***

**The Chairman of Budweiser says, ‘I’d like the****
most refreshing beer in the world, ‘The King of Beers’: give me a Budweiser.’***  

 

*The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and opens it for him.
The Chairman of Guinness says, ‘I’d like the only beer in the world worth really, truly waiting for: give me a Guinness.’ * 

 

*The bartender serves him.*  

 

*The Chairman of Carlsberg says, ‘ I would like the world’s best beer,
** drunk in more countries than any other: give me a Carlsberg.’* *He gets it. 

Vijay Mallya sits down, looks around and says, ‘Just** give me a Coke.’ *
*The bartender looks at him, shrugs and serves him.*
*The other brewery bosses laugh loudly and say,*
*’Hey** Vijay, how come you aren’t drinking a Kingfisher?’*
*’Listen,’ says Vijay Mallya, ‘If you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither will I **
This is Attitude!!!!

 

 

 

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.

So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars! Quaff that pint! Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn’t deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be!

 

A recent magazine survey, interviewed fifty bartenders and they were asked if they could identify a customer’s personality on what drinks they ordered? Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

IF WOMEN DRINK THESE DRINKS IN A PUB … (NOT AT HOME)

BEER

Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.

Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
COCKTAILS OR BLENDER DRINKS WITH UMBRELLA

Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.

Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

MIXED DRINKS - NO UMBRELLAS E.G.; GIN AND TONIC / SCOTCH AND SODA

Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants

Approach: If she wants you, she’ll send YOU a drink.
WATER

Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.

Approach: Don’t.

WINE - (BOTTLED, NOT 4 LITRE CASK)

Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.

Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.

BACARDI BREEZER, RED SQUARE, ARCHERS COOLER, SMIRNOFF ICE, MUDSHAKE ETC.

Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has no clue.

Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is… and you’re in.

SPIRITS SUCH AS CC, WILD TURKEY, SOUTHERN COMFORT

Personality: Watch out, they are unique! A real mixture of personalities. Love to be laid!

Approach: Talk dirty to them whilst challenging them intellectually – you’re in!

CAPE VELVET

Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.

Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.

SHOTS AND SLAMMERS (TEQUILA, VODKA, COWBOYS, AFTERSHOCK ETC.)

Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk.

Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait……

SPIRITS SUCH AS JACKS, BEAM & BUNDY

Personality: Enjoys male company more than females, loves to party hard

Approach: Keep buying them drinks, they’ll think you’re a nice bloke and they are probably trying to work out how to get you to bed!
 

IF MEN DRINK in a PUB.. (As always, very simple and clear cut.)
 

CIDER

He’s probably under-aged and wants to get laid.

CHEAP DOMESTIC BEER

He’s poor / student and wants to get laid.

CASTLE LAGER BEER

He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

IMPORTED BEER

He’s old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.

GUINNESS

The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.

WATER

He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid

WINE

He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.

VODKA OR BRANDY

Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.

PORT

Thinks he’s sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.

WHISKY/JACK DANIELS

He doesn’t give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.

JIM BEAM

Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.

RUM OR TEQUILA

Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
 
BACARDI BREEZER, RED SQUARE, ARCHERS COOLER, SMIRNOFF ICE, ETC

He’s gay (blatantly) - don’t turn your back or pick up any dropped change.