Vicky Advani

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want
  
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
  
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
  
Married men live longer than single men.
But married men are a lot more willing to die.
  
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
No sense two people remembering the same thing
  
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
  
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.
 
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrashekhar Subrahmanyam from India entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American History. Who said “Give me Liberty, or give me Death”?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand up: “Patrick Henry, 1775″ he said.

“Very good!” Who said “Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?”

Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar. “Abraham Lincoln, 1863″ said Chandrashekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.”

She heard a loud whisper: “F**k the Indians,”

“Who said that?” she demanded.

Chandrashekhar put his hand up. “General Custer, 1862.”

At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”

The teacher glares around and asks “All right! Now, who said that?”

Again, Chandrashekhar says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”

Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? S*ck this!”

Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said “You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.”

Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001.”

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we’re f**ked!”

And Chandrashekhar said quietly, “George Bush, Iraq, 2005.”

A Sardar, a German and a Pakistani got arrested consuming alcohol which is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia , so for the terrible crime they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced:

“It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”

The German was first in line; he thought for a while and then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back.”

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.”

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was also led away whimpering loudly.

The Sardar was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said:

“You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!”

“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,” Sardar replied.

“In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”

“Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave.” The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.

“If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.” And what is your second wish?” the Sheik asked…

Sardar smiled and said, “Tie the Pakistani to my back” !!!
 

“SINGH IS KING”

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school uniforms.

Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

Don’t marry the person you want to live with, Marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you’ll regret it later.

You can’t buy love, but, you pay heavily for it.

Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

You’re getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, He still ends up with the same boss.

Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

Wise men talk because they have something to say; Fools talk because they have to say something.

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!

Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?

It’s a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

It’s funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!